3 Things I Wish Everyone Focused on for a More Pleasurable Life
Sex is one of those topics that we all experience, but very few of us actually talk about. When we do, it’s often wrapped in cultural scripts, silence, or shame. And shame thrives in secrecy.
As a Sexologist, I work with individuals, couples, and folks in non-monogamous relationships who want to bring more ease, connection, and pleasure into their lives. For some, that means learning how to regulate stress. For others, it’s about improving communication or exploring pleasure in new ways.
At the heart of it, sex isn’t just about what we do. It’s not a checklist of positions or a performance to impress someone else. Sex is about how we feel in our bodies, how we connect with ourselves and others, and how we allow pleasure to be part of our everyday lives.
And there are three practices that I believe everyone — at any age — can benefit from focusing on:
1. Your Breath Is Your Greatest Tool
Breath is the foundation of your nervous system. It’s always with you, and it has the power to calm your mind, regulate stress, and bring you back into your body.
When you inhale, your pelvic floor expands. When you exhale, it contracts. That natural rhythm can help improve blood flow, support arousal, and increase body awareness. Try noticing it right now — can you feel that expansion and release?
Your breath isn’t just for moments of intimacy. You can use it during difficult conversations, in times of stress, or anytime you want to ground yourself. And here’s the beauty of it: as long as you’re breathing, you already have what you need. You don’t need tools, toys, or a plan. Just breath.
It anchors you in the present moment — the only place intimacy can really happen.
2. Shift from How It Looks → to How It Feels
Our culture loves to tell us that sex is about appearances: looking sexy, sounding sexy, performing well. We learn scripts from movies, media, and even porn that say sex is an activity you perform for someone else’s approval.
But here’s the truth: sex is not a performance. Sex is a place you go within yourself. Sometimes other people come along for the ride, but the most important part is your felt experience.
That means asking questions like:
How does my body feel when I’m relaxed? When I’m stressed?
What sensations do I notice when I slow down?
Am I more focused on being “sexy,” or am I allowing myself to actually feel?
When we root our intimacy in feeling instead of appearance, we free ourselves from shame and comparison. We make space for authenticity, connection, and genuine pleasure.
3. Focus on Pleasure — in All Its Forms
When I say pleasure, I don’t just mean sexual pleasure. I mean the small, everyday joys that feed your nervous system and help you feel alive.
So often, we talk about “triggers” — things that activate stress or past trauma. But what about glimmers? Those small, nourishing moments that remind you of goodness.
It could be a delicious meal, the warmth of the sun on your skin, the feel of cool water after a hot walk, or a deep belly laugh with someone you love. These experiences train your body to savor, slow down, and expand your capacity for joy.
Think of your sexuality like a garden. You choose what grows there. Maybe you’ve inherited weeds — old beliefs, cultural messages, or shame that don’t belong to you. Part of the work is noticing them, pulling them out, and making space for what does bring you pleasure.
Cultivating pleasure — sexual and nonsexual — is one of the most powerful ways to build a happy, healthy, and satisfying sex life.
Final Thoughts
The truth is, no one else can tell you what’s right for your body, your relationships, or your life. Only you know that.
So take what resonates, leave what doesn’t, and start small:
Use your breath to come back into your body.
Shift your attention from how sex looks to how it feels.
Cultivate everyday pleasure, in and out of the bedroom.
When you make space for these practices, intimacy stops being a performance and starts being an experience of ease, authenticity, and joy.
If you’re ready to explore this more deeply, or you’re feeling stuck in your sex life, I’d love to support you. You don’t have to untangle this alone.
