“Good Enough Sex”: Redefining Intimacy as Relationships Evolve
As we grow, so do our relationships—and with them, our experiences of intimacy. One of the biggest misconceptions about sex is that it should always feel like the passionate whirlwind you see in movies. The truth? It often doesn’t—and that’s okay.
Why We Have Sex
Sex isn’t just about physical pleasure. It’s a complex, ever-changing part of life influenced by countless factors, including emotions, stress, connection, and self-esteem. At different points in your life or relationship, the reasons you engage in intimacy may shift:
To relieve stress from the day.
To feel closer to your partner.
To reconnect with your sense of self.
Simply because it feels good.
Recognizing and embracing these shifts is key to cultivating a healthy and fulfilling intimate life.
The Myth of Perpetual Passion
Movies and media paint a picture of sex as an endlessly passionate act—a perfect storm of sparks, chemistry, and instant gratification. While that may happen occasionally, it’s not realistic to expect this all the time.
Sometimes, the spark feels dimmer. Other times, intimacy feels less like fireworks and more like a quiet connection. This doesn’t mean something is wrong. It means your relationship, and your experience of intimacy, is evolving.
The “Good Enough” Sex Model
Dr. Barry McCarthy introduced the concept of “Good Enough” sex to shift the focus from perfection to connection. The idea? Not every sexual experience needs to be amazing. In fact, some encounters might even feel disappointing—and that’s normal.
Here’s why this perspective matters:
It removes the pressure to perform.
It normalizes fluctuations in desire and satisfaction.
It encourages compassion for yourself and your partner.
By letting go of the need for “perfect” intimacy, you open the door to experiencing intimacy in all its forms—messy, imperfect, and still meaningful.
When Expectations Lead to Frustration
It’s easy to feel disheartened after a less-than-stellar sexual experience, especially if it doesn’t match your expectations. You might even catch yourself thinking, “If this is what sex is like, I don’t want it anymore.”
But here’s the thing: intimacy isn’t about always hitting a high note. It’s about showing up for yourself and your partner, even when things aren’t perfect.
What Can You Do?
Shift Your Mindset: Accept that sex, like all aspects of life, has its ups and downs. Not every encounter will be unforgettable, and that’s okay.
Focus on Connection: Instead of chasing passion, focus on building closeness with your partner—whether that’s through touch, conversation, or shared laughter.
Communicate Openly: If frustration arises, talk about it. Approach the conversation with curiosity, not criticism.
Celebrate the Small Moments: Sometimes, intimacy is less about grand gestures and more about the little things—like holding hands or stealing a kiss.
Redefining Intimacy
As your relationship and experiences evolve, so will your understanding of what intimacy means to you. By embracing the idea of “good enough” sex, you’re giving yourself and your partner permission to be human—to explore, to connect, and to grow together.
Looking for guidance on intimacy and connection?
I help individuals and couples navigate the complexities of relationships, intimacy, and desire. Let’s explore how to redefine what “good enough” looks like for you.
I’m a Sex Counselor and Yoga Teacher. I work with individuals, couples, non-monogamous relationships, and groups in topics related to sexuality, emotional regulation, communication dynamics, and changing behaviors.
