Conflict and Communication Skills in Relationships
“When we recite our relationship vows, perhaps we should say, “I take you as my pain in the rear, with all your history and baggage, and I take responsibility for all prior injustices you endured at the hands of those I never knew, because you now are in my care.”
Relationships Are Hard, But Why?
Dating comes with a cascade of stress and feel-good chemicals that makes us want more of each other. We want to see, smell, touch, and share everything with the other person. When we start getting ‘official’, this might change.
Our brains prioritize efficiency and ‘automates’ the other person. That means, I create a representation of you in my mind. I will assume that I know you, you know me, and we understand each other well.
Eventually, we start paying less attention. Our energy goes to other things. We start paying less attention…
Let’s get these three key aspects right from the beginning…
You’ve picked each other.
You’re interdependent and in each other’s care.
You’re both equally responsible for your relationship.
Characteristics of a secure functioning relationship:
We are interdependent.
Based on true mutuality, fairness, justice, and sensitivity.
Everything we do is good for me and good for you.
We protect each other in public and in private.
We know each other in such a way we’re experts on each other.
Stuck in Circular Arguments?
Research has identified four key behaviors that can escalate conflict and create disconnection in relationships—often referred to as the Four Horsemen. The good news is that each one has an antidote. To begin, I encourage you to pay attention to when you, not your partner, engage in these behaviors—whether out loud during conversations or quietly in your own thoughts.
Criticism – Blaming or attacking your partner’s character.
Antidote: Express a complaint using "I" statements about your feelings and needs.Contempt – Treating your partner with disrespect, sarcasm, or disgust.
Antidote: Show appreciation and focus on your partner’s positive qualities.Defensiveness – Making excuses, shifting blame, or playing the victim.
Antidote: Take responsibility, even for a small part of the issue.Stonewalling – Shutting down, withdrawing, or refusing to engage.
Antidote: Take a break to self-soothe and return to the conversation when ready.
Click here to download a full sheet with the Four Horsemen, their Antidotes, and examples.
