Happily Married but Fantasizing About Someone Else? Here’s What It Means
Ever had a fantasy about someone who isn’t your partner? You’re not alone. And no, it doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed or that you’re a bad person.
Fantasy vs. Desire: What’s the Difference?
Fantasies are mental play—exciting thoughts that live in your head. They don’t always mean you want to act on them. Desire, on the other hand, is what you actually want to experience in real life. Knowing the difference can help you feel more at ease with your thoughts instead of spiraling into guilt or confusion.
Why Do We Fantasize About Others?
Novelty & Curiosity – Our brains crave newness, even in long-term relationships.
Unmet Needs – Sometimes, fantasies highlight what we’re missing—emotionally or physically.
Pure Playfulness – Many fantasies have nothing to do with real-life desires; they’re just mental escape rooms.
Does It Mean Something’s Wrong in Your Relationship?
Not necessarily. Modern relationships expect one person to meet all of our emotional, intellectual, and sexual needs—something humans used to get from an entire village. Your erotic mind is your own, and having fantasies doesn’t mean your love, commitment, or attraction is in question.
What If You Want to Explore a Fantasy?
If a fantasy stays in your head and makes you happy, great! If it’s starting to feel like something you want to act on, that’s when a conversation might be needed. Whether you’re curious about sharing fantasies, exploring non-monogamy, or navigating the world of ethical swinging, there are ways to do it with honesty and connection.
Next Steps: How to Explore This Topic
If this resonates, don’t push it aside. Here are a few ways to start exploring:
🔹 Books – Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski, The Erotic Mind by Jack Morin
🔹 Self-Reflection Tools – BDSMtest.org, Want, Will, Won’t lists
🔹 Guided Support – Conversations with a sex counselor (that’s me!)
If you’re feeling unsure about how to bring this up with your partner—or even just make sense of your own thoughts—I can help. My sessions offer a candid, judgment-free space to talk about relationships, fantasies, and what actually works for you.
📅 Schedule a session today and start navigating your desires with confidence.
I’m a Sex Counselor and Yoga Teacher. I work with individuals, couples, non-monogamous relationships, and groups in topics related to sexuality, emotional regulation, communication dynamics, and changing behaviors.
