When You Want to Want It: Navigating Desire and Self-Compassion
Desire can be complicated. If you’re struggling with it, chances are you’re not just dealing with the absence of desire itself—you’re also wrestling with the weight of frustration, confusion, and maybe even self-judgment.
You might find yourself thinking:
“Why can’t I just get myself to want it?”
“I love my partner, so why does this feel so hard?”
“What’s wrong with me?”
The truth is, you’re not alone in feeling this way. And let me assure you: there’s nothing wrong with you.
The Double Weight of Struggling With Desire
When desire feels out of reach, it can leave you feeling stuck in a cycle of wanting to want but not knowing how to get there. It’s as though a part of you is saying, “This should come naturally,” while another part is quietly whispering, “But it doesn’t right now.”
This inner conflict can be heavy. It can make you question your relationship, your worth, and even your ability to experience pleasure. But the good news is that desire isn’t a fixed trait—it’s something you can nurture and explore.
What’s Behind the Struggle?
Desire isn’t just about physical attraction or sexual readiness. It’s deeply tied to your emotions, stress levels, relationship dynamics, and even your relationship with yourself.
Here are some common reasons desire might feel distant:
Stress and Overwhelm: When life feels like too much, it’s hard to switch gears into a mindset of pleasure and connection.
Mismatched Expectations: You may feel pressure to “perform” or meet a standard that doesn’t align with how you’re feeling.
Unprocessed Emotions: If there’s unresolved tension—within your relationship or your own mind—it can act as a barrier to desire.
Fatigue and Burnout: When you’re running on empty, there’s little energy left to pour into intimacy.
Shifting the Focus From “Fixing” to Understanding
Instead of asking, “Why can’t I want it?” try asking, “What’s standing in the way of my desire?” This subtle shift moves you away from blame and toward curiosity, opening the door to deeper self-awareness.
Practical Steps to Reconnect With Desire
Release the “Shoulds”: Desire isn’t something you can force. Give yourself permission to feel exactly as you do without judgment.
Cultivate Moments of Pleasure: Start small. It might be as simple as savoring a cup of tea or feeling the warmth of the sun on your skin. The more you tune into what feels good, the more you create space for desire to emerge.
Create a Desire-Friendly Environment: This isn’t just about lighting candles (though that helps!). It’s about fostering a sense of safety and connection—both with your partner and yourself.
Open the Lines of Communication: If you’re in a relationship, share how you’re feeling with your partner. Vulnerability can create understanding and reduce the pressure you may be putting on yourself.
The Bottom Line
Struggling with desire doesn’t mean something is wrong with you. It’s a sign that there’s an opportunity to explore what you need and how to create conditions where desire can naturally thrive.
You deserve to feel connected—to yourself, your partner, and your capacity for pleasure. And you don’t have to navigate this alone.
If this resonates with you, let’s work together to untangle the layers of frustration and uncover a path toward authentic, fulfilling desire. Because you’re not broken—you’re just human.
I’m a Sex Counselor and Yoga Teacher. I work with individuals, couples, non-monogamous relationships, and groups in topics related to sexuality, emotional regulation, communication dynamics, and changing behaviors.
